Wheresmyamerica’s Weblog

Not just another weblog!

A little Babushka tries to help me find my America.

Statue of Liberty
I was in London recently for a forensics symposium when I realized that I should put out a reward for information leading to the arrest of whoever stole my America. I got excited before realizing that I could barely afford my return ticket home. So I went to Piccadilly Square in London and unabashedly begged for money. I had a little top hat that I placed on the ground in front of me and a sign around my neck that read “I liberated this sign from Iraq” and then I sat down and tried to be a human statue. Several Brits dropped some quid in my hat before I got a cramp and destroyed my illusion. So I sat there rubbing by calf muscle when a little girl, postcard cute and about five years old, appeared before me. She was standing beside her Russian looking mother whose arms were draped with shopping bags with names like Gucci and Prada. The little girl looked at me and then up at her mother who nodded approval. She went like a rocket to my hat and peered in at the booty. Unimpressed, she dug into her dress pocket and fished out what looked like a ruble and tossed it in the hat. Then, to my surprise, she came right up to me, knelt down, and whispered in my ear, “Your America’s in the gutter”. The little Babushka turned and left as quickly as she had come.
Was she right? And if she was, exactly which gutter is my America in? My gutter? My gutters are dirty and difficult to get to. My ladder is broken anyway and my lawn guy, Pedro, has been in Miami for fourteen months trying to flip his condos. I haven’t cleaned my gutter in years. I can’t get up on my roof anyway, not with my calf hurting so badly. Why don’t they make some sort of gutter cleaner for sorry blokes like me?


August 31, 2007 Posted by | America, political, Society | Leave a comment

Could a dog help me find my America?

This dog is now wealthier than 99.9% of every individual on earth. I have been thinking about getting a dog for some time. Not a little one like “Trouble” that sits in your lap and you bring shopping, but one to help me find my America. Based on the success they have had hunting down Osama, I called our military. Maybe they could recommend a particular bloodhound or something. I spoke with a very nice Corporal stationed in Tora Bora. I explained my situation and he said they just happened to have an extra hound, named Drifter. Incredibly, he said he could send Drifter to me using Halliburton’s Rapid Canine Response Mail Delivery System, code named (by Rove) “Jackrabbit” for $126,892.43. I thanked him anyway, said that I appreciated his service for my America, and went to the local pound.

Lost & unaccounted for in Iraq – $9 billion of US taxpayers’ money and $549.7 milion in spare parts shipped in 2004 to US contractors.*

Halliburton overcharges classified by the Pentagon as unreasonable and unsupported – $1.4 billion.*

Portion of the $20 billion paid to KBR that Pentagon auditors deem “questionable or supportable” – $3.2 billion.*

Sometimes, Father knows best:

“Going in and occupying Iraq, thus unilaterally exceeding the United Nations’ mandate,
would have destroyed the precedent of international response to aggression that we hoped
to establish. Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be
an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land.” – George H.W. Bush (Bush senior) and Brent Scowcroft in their 1998 book, A World Transformed.

August 30, 2007 Posted by | America, Breaking News, Helmsley, Osama, political, Republican, Rich, Terrorism, War | 1 Comment

Why is he so happy? Did he find my America?

Bush Smiling
It is so nice to see a fellow American smile. Whenever I see someone smiling and I’m not quite sure why, I ask them. It’s human nature. We want to share in their happiness. Smiling is contagious, but that contagion is usually amplified by the cause. So I tried to imagine what currently makes President Bush so happy. His approval numbers? Nah. The two year anniversary of Katrina? Not likely. Gonzales? Nope. I couldn’t think of anything. Then it dawned on me. He has a secret. He knows where my America is. Maybe he has known for a while, years even. He is going to find it. I think he likes secrets. I hope he utilizes every resource to find it. If I were him, and I had such a big secret, I wouldn’t tell anybody. I would make up excuses to spend massive amounts of money and pretend to allocate it elsewhere. I would create a diversion in a foreign country and make up crazy laws to protect the secret. Then, when my country and the world turned against me, when I had sacrificed more then anyone expected, when the cost of this diversion had reached unimaginable numbers, and the people close to me started to not be so close, only then would I tell everybody my big secret.

“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”—Interview with CBS News, Washington D.C., Sept. 6, 2006

“Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die.”—speaking with reporters on facing the challenges of war, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006

August 29, 2007 Posted by | Breaking News, Iraq, political, Society, War | Leave a comment

Did she locate my America?

Breaking news in my America- I think someone has stumbled upon the location of my America. Let’s listen to what she has to say.

Nope, it was a false alarm. My America is still missing.

“I was raised in the west. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.” -Bush as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000.

August 28, 2007 Posted by | Breaking News, political, Random, Society | 2 Comments

Still no sign of my America, so why am I smiling?

Larry Craig
It has now been almost a week and no sign of my America. It’s hard to have something so important in my life go missing. Whenever I try not to think about it, close my eyes and push it out of my mind because the loss is so unbearable, I end up feeling like a traitor. Then the loss starts gnawing at me again. Fortunately, I don’t feel alone in my pain today because of Senator Larry Craig (pictured above). Larry Craig is a VERY conservative Senator from Idaho with close ties to Mitt Romney. His super conservative voting record can be seen here. Needless to say, the poor, gays and lesbians, and the environment were constantly in his crosshairs. He is of course a proud member of the NRA. Unfortunately, Craig lost something as well. He lost his identity. Strangely, he went looking for it in a men’s bathroom in a Minnesota Airport last August and apparently he enlisted the help of other men in the bathroom to help him find it. He tried so hard that he was arrested for lewd behavior. How am I supposed to feel when stuff like this happens? I can’t help but sense the corners of my mouth rise in unison, a smile for my America?

What comes around goes around, circa 1982:

Update #1 8/28/07: While he was being interviewed about the incident, Craig gave police a business card showing that he is a U.S. senator. “What do you think about that?” Craig asked the officer, according to the report obtained by Roll Call.

Update #2 8/28/07- I’m not GAY says Craig.

Update #3 8/29/07- Step down.

Update #4 8/30/07- The recording

And now #5- The dust has settled.

Hypocrite – a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives.

August 28, 2007 Posted by | Breaking News, political, Republican, Scandal, Senator, Society | 2 Comments

Did Gonzales steal some of my America?

Bush, Gonzales
Larceny is a crime. When crimes are enormous in scale, they sometimes becomes labeled as a crime against humanity. The theft of my America is such a crime. I wish I could sleep soundly at night knowing that our great justice system is filled with highly moral, sophisticated individuals looking out for where my America may have gone. It’s not.

It’s sad that we live in a time when a talented and honorable person like Alberto Gonzales is impeding from doing important work because his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons. – Bush on Gonzales 8/27/07

Congress has heard extensive testimony about how Mr. Gonzales’s Justice Department has become an arm of a political party, choosing lawyers for nonpartisan positions based on politics, and bringing cases — including prosecutions that have put people in jail — to help Republicans win elections. – From the NYTimes editorial board 8/19/07

August 27, 2007 Posted by | Breaking News, political, Republican, Society | Leave a comment

The animal kingdom does not know where my America is.

I am absolutely convinced that it was a human who stole my America. Despite that, I must devote some Blogspace to the animal kingdom. Sometimes we are privy to amazing acts of nature. Here are two of them:

Turn up your volume.

Please wait for them to load:

August 27, 2007 Posted by | Environmental, Nature | Leave a comment

I can’t see my America.

Smoke stack
I may have misplaced my America and therefore I would have to apologize profusely and at length to all the people earlier in this blog who I have blamed for her theft. My current thinking is that she may be close to me, but I can’t see her because of all the particulate matter and smog between us. It seems as though this problem is only going to get worse. Also, please read the following article by a very interesting and well regarded group called the NRDC regarding the current pollution crisis. If any of you think this is just whining from Liberals, I urge you to take your family on a rafting trip on this river. Have fun!
polluted river

August 26, 2007 Posted by | Environmental | Leave a comment

Did someone eat my America?

If you’re an angler, you know that catfish eat almost anything. This fish seems like it has eaten everything. But I don’t think it has eaten my America. The problem with eating is reserved for our very own citizens who have turned eating into an art form. A very Pollockian art form complete with copious amounts of material (food) splattered all over a very large canvas (dinner plate). This problem effects 30% of Americans and the number continues to swell every year. Many scientists argue that genetics are to blame. We need to allocate more money to research this problem because it is draining my America’s coffers. Whatever the cause may be, it needs to be addressed before we have our cake because undoubtedly we will eat it too.

Update 8/27/07- Every State Fails to Cut Obesity.

August 26, 2007 Posted by | Healthcare, Obesity, Society, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Not only did they not find my America, they found absolutely nothing.

Outer Space
I have read A Brief History of Time and watched one too many Carl Sagan films about the universe and yet it never ceases to amaze me. I didn’t expect them to find my America way out there. But, I also didn’t expect them to find nothing.

August 26, 2007 Posted by | Environmental, Nature, Science, Uncategorized | 1 Comment